As I stood in worship, mumbling words I could hardly get off my lips, it dawned on me. This. was. not. fun. Something wasn't right. Usually worship was a place where I found safety and peace. I could just absorb the love of God and enjoy His presence. I could usually just rest in the little haven God created as I focused on Him.
But this morning was different. Anger was clinching its claws into my skin. My throat was tight and my shoulders filled with tension. I couldn't get comfortable. I wanted to run.
There was a situation that had surfaced that brought hurt and pain into my path.
However, I had been in relationship with God long enough to know that running wasn't going to fix anything. The absence of His felt presence was an indication that something was off . . . IN ME. What was it? I was MAD. And I was telling God how I felt. And I was RIGHT. I knew it and God knew it (hear any tones of self-righteousness in there?). And really, looking at the situation with natural eyes, anyone would agree me. No doubt, hands down, I was right.
But if I was right (which I was, by the way), then where did God go? What exactly was the problem?
After asking Him what I needed to change (which asking the question in and of itself was like swallowing a fist full of thumb tacks), I knew deep down what I needed to do to displace the offense in my spirit. I wanted God more than to be right. I wanted God's peace more than I wanted my offense. And in reality, I NEEDED God more than I needed to be right. I had lived too many years in depression and isolation, without His Presence, to go back in that direction again.
I knew what I had to do.
"Bless and do not curse." I Peter 3:9
I had to serve the very same ones I was offended with.
And the arguments began raging again . . .
But I had been there before so I knew what would immediately still the voices. I knew what would displace this cloud of offense. I knew what would silence the accuser of the Brethren.
"Bless and do not curse. Forgive, the way you have been forgiven."
So, I did it. Against my feelings, against my anger, I chose.
As I chose, and took action something amazing happened. The wind and waves hushed. The clouds stopped their swirling and voices stopped their whispering. Peace rushed over my wearied, winded soul. And clarity followed. God's merciful heart for those who hurt me was revealed. I was able to worship. All was well again.
 |
| "Pushing Back the Darkness", 18"x20" |
_____________________________________________________________________
Fast forward, 2 days later . . .
My kids and I were driving through town when we saw the funniest sight. At first it was funny. But then we realized how very pitiful the situation was.
One car was pulling into a parking lot while another was facing it, trying to drive out. Neither would move for the other.
Josiah looked at me and said, "Mom, her face was MAD. She had a really mean face." He was speaking of the view he had of one of the drivers.
Sometimes I think this is how the church looks to the world. We are often caught up in the most trivial issues and offended with small things. They seem SO important to us in the moment too. Yes, there are some things we NEED to stand for and NOT back down. But too often, we are fooled into standing for OUR stance or our position that we ARE NOT standing FOR our brother. So there we stand. And all the while the Holy Spirit is sneaking His way out the back door, because we no longer represent HIM well to the world. And who is HE? He is . . . . .
patient and kind. He does not envy or boast. He is not proud or rude. He is not easily provoked . . . just for starters. (I Corinthians 13:1)
And I am not speaking as one who doesn't battle this spirit of offense from time to time. I am right there with you in the ring with my gloves on.
My encouragement to you, as a brother or sister in the Lord, is to not take the gloves off. Stay in the ring. No matter how tired you are, don't give up. And don't get fooled into fighting the wrong enemy, like I almost did.
When we DO what the Word says, clarity comes. Love is ushered in again. We see clearly God's heart for a brother or sister again.
For it says, "We battle not against flesh and blood but against powers, forces and principalities."
(Ephesians 6:12)
Truly, love covers a multitude of sins.
